Holy fuck, holy fuck, holy fuck. I've laid off of Jerry Brewer for a while mostly because I've been bored of it. As per usual, I haven't actually read this article yet, but it looks like my Mount Everest.
As I'm sure you all know, this is a particularly sore subject for me. Jerry Brewer writing about how it's okay combines 2 of the 3 things I have hated the most about Seattle sports for the last couple years. The other is, of course, Ty Willingham. Bavasi might make that list as well.
Easiest assignment ever: Go to the town that abducted the Sonics and write some impressions.
Or, in other words, sip some Hater-ade and let 'er rip.
You're damn fucking right. Also, using what Brewer writes as a basis for this and comparing it to what goes through my head, I think I'm blacker than Jerry Brewer. He writes like the dipshit, racist twin robots do in the new Transformers movie.
But a crazy thing happened on this disdainful mission. I learned to tolerate Oklahoma City. Then I learned to kinda, sorta like the place. And then, shocker of all shockers, I learned to accept it as an NBA city and stop connecting the Thunder with the Sonics.
Fuck you. Fuck you sideways. They left almost a year ago to the day. They have many of the same players. Apparently they still lay claim to the Sonics history. THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO DISPLAY THE SUPES NBA CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY. Fuck off and die. Try to follow. You can't stop connecting them with the Sonics BECAUSE THEY ARE THE FUCKING SONICS.
What pisses me off the most about this is that Jerry Brewer isn't even a Seattle guy. He moved here a few years ago and has admitted as much in previous columns. Fuck yourself with a rusty nail.
For my next trick, I plan to fix the relationship between the United States and Iran.
Wow. At least that's more topical than the piss metaphors you usually throw into your articles.
I also enjoy how when I write these I can't decide if I'm talking to Brewer or about Brewer. But you can figure it out. Fuck you too.
After this unlikely journey, anything is possible.
NOT FROM SEATTLE, NOT FROM SEATTLE, NOT FROM SEATTLE!
It helped that one of my best friends, Cara, lives in the area. It helped that her husband, David, is a native Oklahoman and one of the most affable people you'll ever meet. They served as tour guides and influenced my perception of a city I had only visited once. But even without their help, the charm of this place probably would've won me over.
Who gives a fuck? I don't give a shit if nice people live there. What the fuck does that have to do with the NBA?
Clay Bennett and his partners, who were allowed to fleece Seattle a year ago today, are still the Oklahoma Raiders. I still think the market is too small for long-term NBA success unless the Thunder becomes a perennial contender. Nevertheless, I'm now convinced that Oklahoma City deserves an NBA franchise. It's just too bad it had to be ours.
Let me rehash that.
1) Clay Bennett is evil
2) OKC is too small
3) But they deserve one anyway.
And it's not fucking yours. It was mine.
Yes, it's too fucking small. Maybe you should mention all the tax breaks that place gave to billionaires? Now every state in the union is broke and that brand new franchise was 11th in the NBA in attendance. Fucking 11th after they basically gave away tickets. David Stern had to bail out something like 12 NBA teams this season but he refused to name them. I've got a pretty good guess as to one of them.
The community embraced its pro team in a manner that made me wonder if this is what Seattle was like when the Sonics came to town in 1967. There's a civic pride here that had evaporated in Seattle because of the shady way the Sonics' relocation happened.
I dunno, maybe you should look at the Sounders. People are going nuts over them. They had to open up thousands of new seats in Qwest to accommodate the demand for tickets. Maybe if you were from Seattle you'd remember the Key Arena crowd drowning out the PA announcer? Jesus, people were going nuts when the Supes were playing the Spurs tough during the 2005 playoffs. But way to alienate the thousands of people who rallied at the Save Our Sonics rallies.
I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE when this gets thrown into the faces of Sonics fans. People from OKC used to come over and post comments on articles in the Seattle Times saying things like, "Oh yeah, well at least they're now going someplace where people will care about them."
FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHAT. IT'S MY FUCKING TEAM. OH, YOU CARE ABOUT THEM? I'M SURE YOU GET REAL EXCITED WATCHING GP AND THE RAIN MAN FUCKING THROW DOWN ON YOUTUBE? I'M SURE YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL A SWELL OF PRIDE LOOKING UP AT JACK SIKMA'S JERSEY AND THE 1979 CHAMPIONSHIP BANNER? CONGRATS, COCKMUNCHER! YOU'RE AN NBA FAN! AND YOU CARE MORE THAN ME BECAUSE SOME CARPET BAGGING DOUCHE HELMET CAME IN AND BOUGHT A TEAM FROM OUR WIENER KID PREVIOUS OWNER AND PROCEEDED TO INTENTIONALLY STRANGLE THE FAN BASE SO HE COULD MOVE THE TEAM.
It starts with the general kindness of the people here. I needed to meet some Oklahoma City jerks to write the kind of column I wanted to write, but I didn't find any. Instead, I met people like the waitress at Toby Keith's I Love This Bar & Grill who wouldn't stop staring at me. She whispered to her co-workers and pointed. Finally, after a couple of minutes, she approached the table and revealed why she had been spying.
"I'm sorry to ask this, but I have to know," she said in a Southwestern twang. "Are you Wayman Tisdale's brother?"
Me? Kin to Wayman Tisdale, the late, great Oklahoma basketball star and musician? Never heard that one before.
Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. I'm not even sure I have to say anything here. I don't think I could come up with something on my own to simultaneously encompass my hatred for OKC and Jerry Brewer into one statement. But Jerry Brewer, being his Jerry Brewer self, manages to do it for me.
It's all there. The Palin-esque implication that people in middle America are just nicer because they know what's really important. The acknowledgment that Toby Keith is some sort of God in OKC and has the single most retarded name for a restaurant outside of just calling it "Eats". That Brewer would of course eat there. Brewer does actually look a little like Wayman Tisdale, but I'm going to take it as proof that people in OKC believe that all black people look alike. And Jerry Brewer gets excited that someone thinks he's fucking related to Wayman Tisdale.
So, to recap, Brewer thinks they are nice because some slack-jawed bitch working in a cliched Toby Keith bar won't stop staring at him because she thinks he looks like some other black guy. Cool.
"No, I'm not," I told her.
"Well, I just had to ask," the waitress replied. "Wayman's a legend in Oklahoma. It would've been great if you were his brother."
That's Oklahoma City for you. It's endearing.
I'll keep that in mind.
The Thunder has benefited from the kindness. Despite losing 12 of their first 13 games and finishing with a 23-59 record, the ex-Sonics ranked 11th in the NBA in attendance this past season (18,693 fans per game). The novelty will wear off if the team keeps losing, but hope for the future remains. Ric Bucher of ESPN even went as far as dubbing the Thunder a team on the rise and possible playoff team next season.
I've covered this. But thanks for cherry picking ONE analyst from ESPN who thinks they are going to be good. Too bad Stephen A. Smith is gone BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT TO RESPECT KEVIN DURANT AND WHAT HE BRINGS TO THE TABLE.
Don't know about the playoffs, but general manager Sam Presti is amassing talent. He has four top-five draft picks since taking over in 2007 and turned them into Kevin Durant, Jeff Green, Russell Westbrook and James Harden, the former Arizona State star guard who will be an excellent pro. In addition, the Thunder will have salary-cap space to make a move this summer or next. Presti is a few wise decisions away from building a winner and finishing the task he started in Seattle.
Which is the most painful part.
I do in fact agree with most of this. They have done an excellent job of moving guys to amass picks and clear up cap space. But in usual Brewer fashion, he does nothing to back this up with facts.
STEPHEN A. SMITH: "OF COURSE JAMES HARDEN WILL BE AN EXCELLENT PRO"
I question the wisdom of passing on so many point guards, but I'm not familiar with their long term plans. He also fails to mention that the Sonics weren't that far away from being an average team adding Kevin Durant and they were gutted for the exact purpose of making them shitty and getting out of town. But who remembers that part?
As long as the Thunder remains an NBA afterthought, the loss won't be as hard to take. But if Durant starts making All-Star Games and playoff appearances, the pain will increase.
He probably will because he is good. Fortunately, he'll skip town in a few years and I will get to feel righteous.
"They've got a chance to be really good," said David, my friend's husband. "Oklahoma is already behind 'em, but if they start winning a lot, watch out."
Yeah, that's definitely a trait unique to OKC. Thanks, David.
It's a positive thing for Oklahoma City and for the players who languished in uncertainty during the final years in Seattle, but it's hard not to think of the Thunder's potential success as a downer.
That's probably because everyone else in Seattle wishes them ill.
Here comes the best part.
It gets better (or worse): Even though most national media types speculate that players will hate playing in Oklahoma City, the team's young stars — Durant, Green and Westbrook — haven't expressed any dislike of their new residence. In fact, Durant, the key to the Thunder's sustainability in OKC, has been very complimentary.
"Hopefully, I'll spend my whole career here," he told Yahoo! Sports earlier this year.
It is astounding that this man writes about sports for a living. I don't have the energy to get into this one, but this may be the single dumbest assertion he's ever made. I don't really pay that much attention to the NBA anymore, but even I know Durant is going to DC. He's from DC. He shows up to fucking Wizards playoff games. It's like LeBron to the Knicks. It's gonna happen and everyone knows it except the people in Cleveland. What's he supposed to say? "Fuck this place! I'm fucking out!"? Christ you're dumb.
In professional sports, money and competitiveness are great equalizers. If Bennett pays to retain his players and Presti creates a winner, the Thunder will have a chance to be more than just the average small-market team.
Oh yeah, and it happens all the fucking time in small-markets. I'm waiting for the day the Thunder turn into the Spurs. When do they get to draft Tim Duncan?
And Oklahoma City will become more than the city that took Seattle's team.
"Seattle can't hate on Oklahoma forever, can it?" David asked.
Well, considering that several of the owners of the Thunder have donated hundreds of thousands of dollars to anti-gay organizations and the general temperament and political leanings of the two cities, I think it's possible that Seattle can hate on Oklahoma forever. And this has nothing to do with the Supes.
I told him that we have bigger issues than Oklahoma, that we've moved on, that Seattleites are too worldly to let OKC get to them.
"Yeah, but bitterness gets the best of everybody sometimes," he replied.
Touché, David.
But bitterness is an improvement on hatred.
Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you. I had to sit by and watch my team get stolen. I couldn't do shit. I will hate it until the day I die. Fuck off and die.
EDIT: It warms my heart to see the outpouring of hatred in the comments section of the article. Makes you wonder how much longer a guy like Brewer can stay employed in the struggling newspaper industry.
